internet wierdies?

Ok, so it's 2.30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I am typing this on my phone while I am lying in bed. Today I shared this blog with a couple of strangers. Well I say strangers but really they are my internet wierdy friends. I actually don't have any real life friends so I tend to live a lot if my life online. Probably quite common these days! Anyway these friends aRe people I have met online through a site affectionately known as 'the purple place' I won't tell you its proper names as a girl has to have some secrets! I am sure they all think I am a professional Looper and they would probably be right. I don't expect them to understand but just to hear me. So thank-you to the internet wierdies who made me cry tonight for all the nice things they said x

What do you do when you wake?

For me, it's not getting up and running for the loo, it's not cuddling up under the duvet, it's not getting a drink, It is checking to see if I am still alive. Sound weird? I agree it does, but this is my life. This is my Health anxiety, my first though most mornings is well I made it through the night, but maybe I will die later. In my logical state of mind, this sounds like the most idiotic thing in the world. In the height of my anxiety I really believe I am going to die. Does this explain my blog title?

Personal info?

Ok, a bit more background. As I have already said I am 37, a divorced then remarried mum of 6, yes 6! My eldest is now 21, married with a baby on the way, it is a boy. My grandson is due on the 16th of December 2010. I am really excited. My next eldest is 19, she has already given me a gorgeous grandaughter, her name is Hannah and she is such a poppet, she is a bit quiet but hopefully with lots of encouragement she will move forward. She is also pregnant again. Another boy, fabulous, she will be due on the 15th November 2010 which is this Monday. Something else to be excited about. Next is my only son, he is 17 and still lives at home, well I say he lives at home but he is at his girlfriends more often than here. Next comes another daughter, she is 14, she is special needs after being born prematurely at 25 weeks weighing 1 lb 4 oz. Then comes another daughter, she is 11 and is also special needs although not as severly as the older one. Lastly but not least is my baby, Lily, she is 14 months old and my miracle baby, I will speak more about that later. My husband is Gaz, we have been together nearly 11 years and been married for 5 and a half. He is my soul mate, my best friend and my crutch.

Desperate dreaming..

At 4.23 am this morning I was awake and sitting in the bathroom shaking with the nightmares that seem to plague me. This one was set where I used to live when I was a child, in fact my parents still live there. They have a Victorian house with a really long garden. In my dream I had the body of a child but the mind of an adult. I was being chased through the house and I had to climb from the bedroom window and into the garden with a baby, this baby was my now daughter Lily. I wanted to run through the back garden and through to the neighbours house but I knew I wouldn't be safe, so I ran down to the bottom of the garden carrying the baby, to fit through a gap in the hedge at the bottom. This gap led onto lots of fields, one after another scoping for miles. I remember hearing shouting and gunshots in the house whilst I was running and I knew in that moment my parents were dead. I was now all alone in this world, with the responsibility of a baby ( she wasn't my baby in the dream, in fact I don't know who she was)  I remember running for miles thinking that I had to keep going as the baby needed me and would die without me, I could hear the men chasing us with the occasional gunshot ringing out and the loud bark of dogs in the distance.... They never caught me, I woke up before they could.

Explanation of nothingness.

I suppose I ought to explain. I am 37 and suffer from depression? and health anxiety. Many of you reading this will not understand, many of you will. My life revolves around my husband and children they are all that I live for and the only thing that keeps me alive. Without them I am not only an empty shell but a dead one. This is honesty speaking, if I didn't have them a few bottles of painkillers and a few bottles of vodka would be my only friends. An easy way out? Maybe, but then I am a coward and I always have been. I don't expect or want sympathy, I don't want people to tell me 'what a lovely person' I am because I know I am not.

What do you see when you look in a mirror?

I see nothing, a nothingness, an empty shell. I am a nobody in a nobodys land in a nobodys world. This is my journal and feelings of desperation that no body sees except me. I am not a writer so this will be written with my feelings and emotions not my logic and brain.